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martes, 31 de mayo de 2011

Don't hold strong opinions about things you don't understand

It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right. I'm tired of trying, sick of crying. Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again.

I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts to much to hold on anymore. Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy. Tired of living and scared of dying.

I don't necessarily want to be happy; I just want to stop feeling miserable.
Don't fall into the trap of pretending everything's fine when you know it isn't.
Just when I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart. Stop the world I wanna get off.

Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left. Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten time more.

It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away.

You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are.

I love sleep. My life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake. How can you understand me when I can't understand myself? Do you ever have those times you cry and you don't know why? I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being. The pain is there to remind me that I'm still alive. It seems to me that the harder I try the harder I fall.

It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like everybody in the world want's something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't?

People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I've tried that I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles and what I've learned is that when it hurts this much inside your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear.
Let no one think I gave in.

Refuse to feel anything at all, refuse to slip, refuse to fall, can't be weak, can't stand still, watch your back because no one else will.
What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?

You can't just hug me and say it's okay because right now it doesn't feel that way.
My sadness did not have that. It dripped slowly into my life without me noticing it, at least, not noticing it until it consumed my fully and smothered me with darkness.

Some of us are just trying to get through the day without falling apart.
I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand.
There's a smile on my face but I don't know why it's there... I put it on to satisfy all the people that don't even care. I'm often silent when I am screaming inside.
Wear a mask that grins and lies, it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes. The debt we pay to human guile, with torn and broken hearts, we smile. Someone once asked me, 'Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?' I replied, 'Why do you assume I see two roads?' What's the point in screaming? No ones listening anyway.


Sometimes I feel like nobody has held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or seen to the inside of me. I just say 'oh I'm fine' and walk away. Nobody's ever said to me 'no you're not'.
Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.
Some people try to understand, but nobody can know what living like this is like.
No one can see the pain what we hide, they're happy for us to keep it inside, our fear is our own; they don't want to know. Why should we involve them; why should it show.

Our generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives.
I'm not my usual self being quiet and lonely isn't 'me' crying all night, acting all day this isn't how it's supposed to be. I'm hurting so bad inside I just wish you could see... I'm struggling to be someone that isn't even close to me. When your going thru hell... it's best to just keep on going...
Take it from someone who's fallen... it's a long way down. The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality. True strength is holding it together when everyone else would understand if you fall apart.

I could shut out the whole world, including myself. Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to me. But its ironic because that's how I live my life. I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I'm doing fine but I'm always dieing inside, always one step away from the edge you know? I can't be happy to be who I am because I don't know who I am anymore.

I just realized that were all a bunch of actresses and we've fooled everyone into believing that we're all okay... I'm just waiting for the day when I can convince myself of that.---Jupiter_Girl

I've come to the point where nothing matters anymore, and things I used to care about aren't worth fighting for. I'm not afraid of the gun in my hand, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of the pain it will bring, and to see my best friends crying.


No matter what you do or say, there's nothing that you can do to make people understand you.---Kurt Cobain.
No more joy - No more sadness - No emotion - Only madness. I can't see. I don't feel. I can't touch. I don't heal.

Everybody knows that something's wrong but nobody knows what's going on. The question isn't 'who is going to let me'; it's 'who is going to stop me'.
And sometimes I have really bad day... when, you know, I just want to hide or scream or bleed or something...

A pill to make you numb, a pill to you make you dumb, a pill to make you anybody else, but all the drugs in this world won’t save her from herself.
Reality has exiled me; I am no longer bound by it's laws.
It's an interesting feeling, really, to scroll through all the numbers in your phone, and realize that there is no one who will understand. Do you remember the days when you were a child and simply running outside made you happy? What happened to them? I can't stop crying... I don't understand, and it's not the loud, screaming crying... it's just the tears continuously roll down my face, and I can't do anything to stop them.

This isn't a perfect world. People do get hurt. You smile when you feel like crying. You act like you're ok, when you're falling apart inside. And you try to let go, you try to move on, because you know there's nothing else you could do.
When you talk about feelings, words were too stiff, they were this and not that, they couldn't include all the meanings. In defining, they always left something out.--- White Oleander

We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.

You see her sitting there and you think 'shes so sad' but its not that shes sad, shes simply given up on pretending to be happy, shes tired of getting up every morning and putting on her fake smile, telling herself 'today will be better'. She doesnt want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore... she has stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room she calls her life. ~ Never_The_Star

In reality, I'm slowly losing my mind. Underneath the guise of smile, gradually I'm dying inside. Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly. Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. So I wear my disguise till I go home at night and turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry.
Everyone is asking me how I feel, how I am and truthly I feel numb. I cant feel anything and honestly I like it.

Depression is such a strong emotion, its regret, fear, frustration, isolation, a choice, and sometimes even a form of protection. ~ Never_the_star

Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we all hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth - that when you look closely, people are so strange and complicated that they're actually beautiful. Possibly even me.

Do you ever have one of those days where nothing really goes wrong but you feel like you hate the world and the smallest thing that happens can make you break down right there and cry? Do you ever lay in bed at night hoping you wake up in the emergency room and hear the words "shes not going to make it?" Those feelings that are the most painful are those ones that nobody can explain no quote can describe... and no tears or smiles can make them go away.They're the ones that hurt the deepest the ones that last the longest and take forever to forget about. Sometimes I'm in an empty zone. I wish I wasn't me... I'm so broken... not half full, not half empty, not ever cracked. I'm just broken. I can't exist anymore. I can barely function. there's nothing left to me. and I don't care.

It was like sawdust, the unhappiness: it infitrated everything, everything was a problem, everything made her cry - school, homework, boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of the future, fear of future, fear in general - but it was so hard to say exactly what the problem was in the first place - The Dead Girl

I did not, you see, want to kill myself. Not at that time, anyway. But I wanted to know that if need be, if the desperation got so terribly bad, I could inflict harm on my body. I'm just a girl who lives life day by day and always manages to put a smile on my face. Even if that day I'm a complete mess.

What is depression really? Is there one concrete definition, or has the meaning loosened as our generation has continued it's downhill descent? To me, depression is simply my life. I'm not suicidal. I'm not a cutter. I don't hate the world. I don't dress completely in black. I'm just sad. I've been sad for what feels like my entire life, but that's not true. I was happy once and I can vaguely remember what it felt like, but I can't touch it. I can't get that happiness back, I don't know how. That's what depression is to me, knowing what happiness is, but never being able to touch it, to feel it.- Jenny Leigh

One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness. Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying. Nobody knows what's going on with you. How could anybody realize what's happening? Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow. But for you, there's no difference in the days. They pass monotonously. And before you know it, it's all gone.

Let the blood run down your arms then try and tell me everything's okay.
My only way to let it out, I wanna scream, I wanna shout. But I don’t make a sound, I keep it inside. I wanna break out, but instead I hide. I sit in my room, and hide in my shell, The life that I’m living, my own private hell. Every word, another scar, Every word they say is another scar on my wrist.
As she's breaking down she grabs her razor and she whispers... this time I'm not okay...

I'm okay... isn't that what I'm suppose to say?
Depression is merely anger minus the enthusiasm.

Nothing is more dear to them than their own suffering - they are afraid that they will lose it - They feel it, like a whip cracking over their heads, striking them and yet befriending them; it wounds them, but it also reassures them. --- Ugo Betti
Why? Why do I feel so gone? I am now so distant I just don't belong. Now I'm ripped away from existence. I've become so transparent that I lost all substance. Sitting nowhere, breathing fake air. We don't feel anymore, so we can't care. Its about time I clear my throat. Let the hellish screams out till I begin to float. I'd run a million miles from here, just to get out of this cage and escape from fear. You know you're screwed when you crave pain, you wanna bleed all throughout your brain. That roaring beast never hides. She lost all she ever had. Slowly she fades as she quickly she drowns. Covered in guilt, sequestered from sounds. Tilting on the edge, about to fall off. Her mind is so lacerated it has become leathery and soft.-Anonymous

How will you know I am hurting, If you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body Tells what words cannot explain.
It requires more courage to suffer than to die.
I'm freezing, I'm starving, I'm bleeding to death, Everything's fine.


Prozac Nation


On top of feeling sad, I also felt guilty.

I went home at night and cried for hours because so many people in my life expecting me to be a certain way was too much pressure, as if I'd been held against a wall and interrogated for hours, asked questions I couldn't quite answer any longer.

I don't care that I don't care, but I do care maybe a little bit about not caring about not caring - but maybe I do feel sorry for all the nice people whose efforts are wasted on a waste case like me.
The have no idea what a bottomless pit of misery I am.

It's not how tragically we suffer but how miracously we live.
How can you hide from what never goes away?

One morning you wake up afraid to live.
...it all becomes completely numbing, like so much pounding on a frozen paralyzed limb that bruises but no longer feels.

But then I never had to worry about crash landing becuase I never took off.




But does anyone notice? But does anyone care?

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